


everything else is a substitute for your love

by aarobron



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Friends With Benefits, M/M, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-15 17:09:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14794556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aarobron/pseuds/aarobron
Summary: prompted on tumblr: "you've shown me what love can feel like."a friends with benefits au, with added feelings and a lot of tears.or,“Robert, this is terrifying,” he says eventually, forming every syllable carefully. “You know- You know what happened to Jackson, and that’s because I… Because of how I felt about him.”Robert closes his eyes and wipes his palms on his jeans, counts to ten and breathes in time. “Aaron, you have no idea how you make me feel,” he says, crouching on the floor in front of the younger man and taking both of his hands. “You’ve shown me what love can feel like, and I don’t want to give that up.”





	everything else is a substitute for your love

**Author's Note:**

> hello! prompted by an anon on tumblr, but it ran away from me so i'm posting it here, too.
> 
> title from [heaven's gate by fall out boy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fwk1IA4IyNQ)
> 
> happy reading xx

“Aaron,” Robert hums. He traces the tips of his fingers across Aaron’s chest, over light, dusty hair and raised bumps of scars. It’s nice, like this. Watching the rise and fall of the younger man’s stomach, the way goosebumps scatter over his skin. “I’ve missed you.”   


Aaron laughs. It could be uncomfortable, but Robert wouldn’t know. Sometimes, he can’t read Aaron - he puts up walls, barbed wire across the top and guard dogs on the other side. 

“It’s not been that long,” Aaron says, catching Robert’s wrist. He squeezes tight, like he’s stopping the older man from floating up, up, up and away. “Like, two weeks. Seriously.”   


“Felt like forever, though,” Robert counters, leaning down to capture Aaron’s mouth in a soft kiss. He leans in again, small pecks again and again and again until there’s a hand on his chest, pushing him away. The sound of Aaron’s laughter is thrilling, lights him up from the inside out until all he can feel is warmth.  


Warmth, and the truth of everything he feels, pushing words up his throat.

“I love you,” he whispers, not daring to take his eyes off of Aaron’s face for even a second. He tracks every movement: the way the younger man’s pupils blow out for a split second, the bob of his throat when he swallows, the pink flush of his cheeks.   


It’s enough for Robert to smile, a grin slowly spreading across his face until his muscles ache from the force of it, and he lowers himself to rest his weight on the broad expanse of Aaron’s chest. The gap between them is millimetres, really, and it wouldn’t be difficult to close the distance - so he does. He brushes their lips together gently.

And Aaron pushes him away. 

“I have to go,” he says. His mouth is downturned now, eyes hardened, but Robert doesn’t know when he missed that. He doesn’t know how he didn’t see that movement, didn’t see the second when the walls went back up twice as thick and three times as high.  


“You only just got here,” Robert says, falling back against the mattress with a thump. He can’t stop the frown as he watches Aaron dress, pulling on his clothes with such haste like being in this very room is burning his skin.   


“And now I need to go, Robert!” Aaron snaps, stilling to breathe heavily. He doesn’t turn and look at the bed, at Robert, not even when he reaches the door. “I’ll text you later.”   


He’s gone. If Robert didn’t know any better - if he couldn’t feel the burn in his chest and ache in his thighs - he’d think that Aaron hadn’t been here at all.

.

True to his words, Aaron texts. About twelve hours after he left, yes, but he texts. Robert’s phone lights up, tiny black pixels on a white screen, and he stares at them until his eyes water and he could recite the message backwards.

_i’m sorry. this isn’t working anymore._

That’s all it says - no explanation, barely an apology. It makes Robert burn red with rage, because it’s his fault. Why the _fuck_ did he tell Aaron he loved him? Why did he rush things, why did he have to go and _ruin it_ like he does with every other good thing in his life? 

He throws his phone at the wall and watches it shatter into pieces, several shards of plastic and glass, just so he doesn’t have to look at the text anymore.

Out of sight, out of mind. 

At least, that is until Vic shows up. She rings the doorbell incessantly until the sound is on repeat in his ears, until he finally gets out of his pity pit on the sofa and opens the door.

“I don’t wanna talk, Vic,” he says with a sigh, letting himself fall back against the couch. He stares at the TV even though it’s muted, and all he can hear is the sound of her clearing some crisp packets out of the way so she can sit.  


“Is that why you’ve been ignoring my calls, then?” She asks, voice suspiciously polite. She’s never like this, his sister. She must know. “Aaron told me what happened. Or- I got it out of him, eventually.”   


“I broke my phone,” he says with a shrug, nodding his head towards the pile of plastic. He tries to sound disinterested, to kid himself that he doesn’t care, but even the name makes the hole in his chest ache and pins prick behind his eyelids.  


“Oh, _Robert_ ,” she breathes, lunging towards him and throwing her arms around him. His palms itch to hug her back, to cry into her shoulder like a little boy and his mum. “I saw him this morning, and he feels awful-”  


“Vic!” He snaps, interrupting her. He shrugs away from her touch and curls further into the corner of the sofa, where nothing and no one can hurt him if he doesn’t let them. Especially not _him_. “I said I don’t want to talk!”   


“He looks terrible, Rob,” she continues, clearly not getting the hint. She inches closer to him, but he’s trapped, there’s nowhere to go and it’s his fault, he can’t deal with this, he can’t. “He knows he made a mistake, but he’s just too stubborn-”  


“I said stop!” He yells, standing up abruptly. Vic looks at him with wide, teary eyes, but it’s not fear. It’s pity. He hates it. “Please, just go. Just go, Vic!”   


She stands, lower lip trembling, and faces him. She matches his height right now even though she’s tiny, but that’s why he loves her. She’s fierce. “Fine, but when you’re ready to listen, just come and find me,” she says.

And she leaves. She leaves him alone, just like he’s always destined to be. 

.

In the end, intrigue gets the better of him. He digs the landline that he never uses out from under a pile of paperwork, finds his discarded address book, and calls her. 

She answers, but it takes him a second to reply. The words are stuck to his throat, but Vic waits patiently. She always does, with him. She knows him so well.

“What happened?” He asks eventually, but his voice is quieter than usual. Uncharacteristically so. He clears his throat and tries again. “What did he say?”   


“He said he’s sorry,” she says without missing a beat. She sounds confident, enough for all three of them, but Robert honestly doesn’t know if it’ll be enough to fix this. “That he made a mistake but he was scared, and that he knows you won’t want him back if he says anything.”  


“Of course I would!” He says in disbelief. He can’t- why would Aaron even think that? Does he really not understand that Robert _loves_ him? “I do want him back!”   


Vic laughs, a desperate little sad thing. “I know that, and you know that, but you also know _Aaron_ ,” she says. “And I think he’s still scared, if I’m being honest. You’re really gonna have to try, Rob. You need to.” 

He wipes away the tears that have tracked down his cheeks without his permission, and breathes out shakily. “Thanks, Vic,” he says, and listens to her tell him she loves him before he hangs up.

He figures that it’s time to go back to the beginning and start again. Sort this out, once and for all.

.

It’s easy to find Aaron. He’s at the pub, where he always is. Vic still confirms it for him, though. Makes sure he’s there and then double checks, because Robert’s nervous as he is. He doesn’t want to get himself worked up and then fall flat.

He lets himself through the back, jogs up the stairs to Aaron’s room, because at least he can say his piece then. He can say what he wants and then go if Aaron doesn’t want him.

At least he can say he tried.

The dark wood is rough under his fingertips, against his knuckles when he knocks. He holds is breath for one second, and then another two, until the door is wrenched open.

“What do you want now, mum?” Aaron snaps, but he falters when he sees Robert. Stops dead in his tracks, mouth dropped open, eyes widening. “Robert?”   


“Can we talk?” Robert asks, shouldering his way past Aaron into the room. He looks around; he’s been here before, but not like this. He’s never stopped to take in the scenery past the sight of Aaron’s face, but now he looks at the posters on the walls.  


“What do you want?” Aaron says. He’s shifting uncomfortably on the spot, scratching the back of his neck, but he closes the door anyway. He doesn’t take his eyes off Robert as he sits in the desk chair. “Why are you here?”  


Robert smiles sadly, and sits on the edge of the bed, opposite Aaron. “I need you to listen to me,” he says slowly. “All I want is for you to listen to me, to understand what I’m saying, then I’m done- if you want. I’ll leave, and we won’t have to see each other again.” 

Aaron swallows thickly, and Robert thinks he sees his eyes shining with tears, but he ducks his head and stares at the floor. “Okay,” he says, fingers twitching against his knees. “Alright.” 

“i love you, Aaron,” Robert starts. He feels strangely calm, telling Aaron, but it’s nothing he hasn’t said before. “And I know that scares you, because we weren’t even together, were we? We didn’t know where we were going, but that’s the one thing I know. That I love you.”  


“Rob-” Aaron breathes out, shaky and unstable, but Robert covers his hand with his own to stop him.  


“Listen,” he repeats gently. “I know you’re scared, and I know you regret it. Well, I think I do - I only know what Vic told me. But it scares me too, Aaron, because I’ve never felt like this before, not for anyone. I don’t know how to deal with it, but I _want_ to deal with it. For you.”   


He laughs shakily, wiping the tears from his face with the back of his hand. He doesn’t know when he started crying, but he knows that he can’t stop, and he clears his throat, trying to regain some of the dignity he misplaced during this. 

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” He asks when the silence stretches on for too long. Aaron’s just watching, crying, not bothering to wipe his tears like Robert did. He doesn’t move.  


“Robert, this is terrifying,” he says eventually, forming every syllable carefully. “You know- You know what happened to Jackson, and that’s because I… Because of how I felt about him.”  


Robert closes his eyes and wipes his palms on his jeans, counts to ten and breathes in time. “Aaron, you have no idea how you make me feel,” he says, crouching on the floor in front of the younger man and taking both of his hands. “You’ve shown me what love can feel like, and I don’t want to give that up.” 

The floodgates open suddenly, and Aaron’s crying again, more than he was before - big ugly tears dripping down his cheeks, breath hitching on every sob, but he doesn’t stop looking at Robert. Like he’s scared he’ll change his mind if he does. 

“I’m so sorry,” he whispers, fingers tightening around Robert’s. He closes his eyes against a fresh wave of tears and turns his head. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I didn’t mean to.”   


“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Robert says soothingly. He stands and pulls Aaron to his feet, holds him at arms length to look at him, and then pulls him into a hug, holding as tight as he possibly can. “I’ve got you now.”   


.

Robert doesn’t mean to watch Aaron sleep, but that’s what he ends up doing. It’s not the first time, truth be told, and now, it won’t be the last. It’s just that- it’s just that he’s so peaceful like this: dark eyelashes fanned against his cheeks, mouth parted as he breathes evenly.

He slowly stirs just as darkness is falling across the sky. His eyes flutter open, a small smile gracing his face as he sees Robert laying next to me. “Hey,” he whispers, voice hoarse. “How long have you been awake?” 

“Haven’t slept,” Robert admits, fingertips tracing the curve of Aaron’s cheek. “Too scared that this... This would all disappear.”   


“No,” Aaron says firmly, catching Robert’s hand between his fingers and pressing a kiss to his knuckle. He tucks his free fist under his head, so that he can watch the older man better. “Not anymore. This is for keeps, this time.”   


Robert smiles and leans into Aaron’s space, kissing him gently. It’s the first kiss they’ve shared since- well, since Robert bared his soul, but it’s perfect. It’s memorable, and he treasures it, grabs it and puts it in a box to remember forever.

“I love you,” Aaron says, voice thick with the tears that are shining in his eyes. He brushes his nose against Robert’s, so intimate, so fucking _special_. “I love you so much, Robert. Thank you for giving me another chance.”   


“I love you, too,” Robert laughs shakily, curving his palm around Aaron’s jaw. “Did you really think I was going to give up on you that easily?”   


“I suppose not,” Aaron hums, a cheeky grin on his face even though his eyes are still wet. He turns his head and places a dry kiss against Robert’s palm. “Can’t get rid of you now, can I?”   


No, Robert thinks. He can’t. Not now, and not in twenty years time. But it is hard, in those twenty years, in the forty. But he never, ever gives up on Aaron. 

Because he wouldn’t even think twice about it. It’s not an option.

Instead, he slings an arm over Aaron’s waist, and holds him tight tight tight, and never lets go.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr @ [aarobron](http://aarobron.tumblr.com/) xo


End file.
